November 13, 2002
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ATTENTION WAL*MART SHOPPERS
When browsing your local Wal*Mart store we ask that you please refrain from wearing 50 gallons of cheap perfume that you found in the 50% off rack at Big Lots or Dollar General. Other shoppers actually HAVE noses that work and your repugnant smell burns their nostrils into oblivion. One such customer describes it as;
"Your nose going to Hell while you're still in Wal*Mart [which is a close second to Hell]."
So, please be considerate, leave the cheap perfume in the same spot in your closet as your cheap camouflage nighty. No one wants to see you in the nighty, nor smell you in the hideous perfume, save it for your mate.
As for the mothers who chose to yell, scream, and leave your children unattended in the cart, you my dears, are annoying as hell also. Asking your 7 year old to take care of your newborn (who is sitting lopsided in the kiddie cart seat) is not appropriate. You need to;
A) Watch your children or leave them at home with your sorry-ass husband.
OR;
B) Restrain your newborn in a safe manner, such as putting her in the car seat/infant carrier in the basket area of the cart (no, you can't 'clip' the car seat to the kiddie seat area, the cart becomes top heavy and your child will topple over [cart and all] and probably die). Or you can go and get a sling, they are handy, your child will thank you, and your arms are free. Besides they are much cheaper than a stroller and SUPER portable.
If all the above fails, then please make sure your oldest is responsible enough to know exactly HOW to care for your newborn, who is sitting a 45 degree angle with a limp neck, probably barely breathing. When you yell at him to "WATCH YOUR SISTER!" And he climbs onto the cart and looks at the back of her sagging head, that is NOT the best idea in the world. Besides, why do you have all these children? Your other 3 are escaping through the garden area.
Your local Wal*Mart and fellow patrons thank you greatly for your consideration.
Oh, and get the hell out of the way of crazy lady with a nasty scowl on her face who had to park in the other zip code because gawd knows they are giving the shit away.
Thank You.
Comments (4)
LMAO! Oh, the joys of WalMart *smirk*
THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST ENTRY I'VE READ IN A REALLY LONG TIME. It was just what I needed this morning. Man, I missed your site.
I Am currently in the process of printing your blog and plastering it all over the local Wal*Mart... or at least I would be if we had a Wal*Mart anywhere near here... I think I'll take it to Target instead.
That was too funny, and sadly-too true. It smells like they're wearing Debbie Gibson's "Electric Youth"-remember THAT shit, or did I just age myself horribly?? Thanks, I'll be checking my mailbox with anticipation.
-M
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