[Turtlemama],

Thanks for being my best student!

[Teacher]

Yessir, that is what was in my [school] inbox yesterday (complete with smiley face).  Why was my English instructor telling me this? (no, you crazy sick fuckos, no weird sexual favors were passed around, he's in San Fran, I'm in Atlanta, that's one long....oh, nevermind.)  Well, you see I missed 2 questions on his test for last week and I didn't agree with the questions to begin with.  So I told him.  And he wrote me back and explained the questions and admitted that one of the questions was a bit muddy.  Then he asked me what answers I had chosen.  I told him and explained my answers to him.  Then he wrote the above back to me.  I'm thinking that by using theoretically and grammatically in one sentence, when I explained my answers, just blew him away.  Yay me!

So , uh does anyone read this thing anymore? I get a couple comments a day but man, I used to get 10+ what happened? did I really get THAT boring? Man, I suck.  Y'all Check-in! Heck, let me know you read it, at the very least, PLEASE?!?!?! thankyouverymuch!

You are the patriotic pin-up! Rosie the Riveter speaks volumes for you. God Bless America and all that.
brought to you by Quizilla  

I want to tell you all a story about my puppy.  OK, she's no longer a puppy but hell my mom still calls me her baby so I have every right to call my children babies until the day I die and this goes for animals. So shaddap!

So back to the story at hand.  My puppy, Sammie.  You see we've had Sammie for over 5 years now and she has to be the best damn dog EVER! (no comments from the sister..er, peanut gallery) 
So, on Friday DH and I got married (unknowingly to my family) and moved into our new home (the family knew we moved into together, just not that tiny detailed of being married already).  Well, we decided the next morning that we needed a dog.  I was pregnant with BT and a housewife, so I didn't have much to do during the day. 
"A DOG!" We both exclaimed, like we were the smartest folks around. 
So, we go to the pound and as we're walking up the walkway a little girl and her mother are coming out of the drop-off side of the building.  The little girl is bawling her eyes out and her mother is explaining that they had to do this and the dog will get a good home.  All I could think was, 'well, actually the statistics suck for dogs taken to the pound.', granted I didn't say anything just kept walking.  I did mention to DH that it was sad that little girl had to give her puppy away.
We proceed into the main artery of the pound, FULL of dogs, loud obnoxious, barking dogs.  We look around the dog warehouse.....um, area and find nothing to our liking.  So we take a quick detour through the puppy room.  Glancing around the room you realize that a majority of the unspayed/neutered dogs in our county are black labs.  EVERY cage had a black lab, or 6.  Litters and litters of black floppy eared dogs lined the wall.  We notice a little puppy that is a bit older than all the other puppies, and she's by herself in a big metal cage.  We walk up to her and start talking to her.  She's SUPER sweet and cute to boot!

In our county inmates work in the animal control buildings, cleaning cages, that kind of thing.  Well we grab the card off of the cage door and an inmate who was working in the puppy room at the time says to us,
"That puppy just came in, not five minutes ago.  A little girl and her mom brought her in, the little girl was REALLY sad."  So I ask the guy if he heard why they had to give the dog up, he said he didn't know.  DH and I leave the puppy room (with card in hand) and I say,
"Oh my God, that was that little girl's puppy!! WE HAVE TO GET HER!" (the puppy not the little girl).  So we take the card up to front desk and the lady informs us that the dog had just been brought in and that the owners couldn't keep her, she was the last of the litter.
"Her name is Smokey." WTF?! SMOKEY? HELLLLL NOOOOO! See, my mom had a little Shi Tzu named smokey that ran away and there is no way that we could have another 'smokey'.  So I just said,
"Well, she's young enough, that name'll be changin'!"

And it was, to Sammie, or Sam, or Samson, or stupid piece of shit, either or

That is how Sammie came to live with us.  I won't bore you with the details of being pregnant and cleaning up PILES AND PILES of shit in my kitchen.  Or the doorframe she ate, or the carpet she chewed up.  The people she jumped on, the holes in the yard she dug, ya know all that crappy bad shit that puppy dogs do.  Just know that today, here and now, she's the BEST dog ever.  She'll defend the children against grabby old women who try to pick them up without permission, she'll run off any moron who tries to come into the house, and she's our mailman alarm, she barks as he pulls to the mailbox, but, she won't bite him, she kinda likes him.  She's a GREAT dog and I hope that the little girl, where ever she is, knows that 'smokey' got a GREAT home and and even better name, and is HAPPY.

Now, doncha feel all warm and fuzzy? I DO, it was COLD over here

,
is evil.
  Yes, evil.
  You go, you browse, you see, you think, you bid, you buy.
  E-V-I-L!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Granted you can find some good deals or hard-to-find items, but then you find things like;

'Turtle Novelty Socks'

Yes, TURTLE SOCKS!! That's not some hard-to-find antique china pattern, or long lost childhood toy, no they are SOCKS!
and they are on their way to my house now.

Then there are things such as;

'Amethyst Sterling Silver Turtle Pendant'
Yes, it's my birthstone and it's a turtle and it's silver..............SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!

Then there are the items that you sort of need.....but when you browse upon something like this;

'Turtle Watch'
Well, you just can't say no.

  So now my life will be filled with Priority Mail boxes and bubble wrap.  And well uhhh, ummmm, you see, I....uh.....a-hem..........have more things that I am currently bidding on.  I know, I will now go sign up in the eBay hall of shame.......

WAIT!  I just have to bid on this turtle rain gauge!

"Hello, my name is Turtlemama, and I am addicted to Animal Crossing.  It all started when I niavely bought a GameCube and then Animal Crossing the next day.  I have not seen Survivor or any other primetime T.V. since.  Well, actually I haven't seen much T.V. at all, except on the rare occasions that I visit with my sister and, being as she has no GameCube, hence no Animal Crossing, I must watch television instead.  But I do make sure to leave rather early so as to get a little Animal Crossing in before bed.  I have tried to not play but then my mind wanders and I begin thinking, 'Wonder what is going on in Bobville?' and then I must go play.  It is sad really, my oldest son, BT, he sighs and says 'Not more Animal Crossing, just for a little while right, Mom?'  I just say 'yes dear' and then play for the next 5 hours, he usually goes and busies himself, at least I guess that is what he is doing.  He's not bothering me, and his brother isn't screaming.  My youngest now sits in front of the T.V. and waves 'bye-bye' as my little character leaves the train station to go visit one of the many towns that my DH and I have started.  He is quite proud of himself for the fact that he knows what is going on and says the correct words and uses the proper gestures.  At least he's talking though, right?  I need help and am here to admit to being an addict.  Let the 12-step program begin.  Thank You."

    This was recently overheard at a local AA meeting where the speaker, a crazed Nintendo-Addicted, sweatsuit-wearing, but has some DAMN cool shoes and socks on, housewife, was escorted out of the building.  She became violent after the AA meeting's leader asked her to please leave.  The housewife, whose real name isn't being released at this time, is said to live in a quiet suburb of Atlanta & has two small children, whom she bought video games for and ended up addicted to one in particular.

Well the Dh wasn't making enough money so I've gone into my own free enterprise.....

CLICK HERE TO HELP A MAMA OUT!
DISCLAIMER: I'm being totally stupid and facetious, deal with it!

We had a mini-crisis  lastnight, BT couldn't poop.  Yep, couldn't take a dump to save his poor little life.  The big turtlemama, that I am, had to dispense 2 (TWO!) enemas. Then finally after a LOT of screaming in pain and agony, and crying, [He and Myself],(I'm sure the neighbors have called DFACS and they'll be at my door in the AM asking me why I was cutting the toes off my oldest with nail clippers, or something as torturous). The child took a poop.  He smiled and said "I DID IT!, It's all over with now, can I play Mario?"  This is that child that was dancing around the whole house screaming, slapping his legs in pain, and crying that his butt hurt.  Now, he wants to play MARIO?!?!   So, he played Mario for a while.  Poor DH was nervous and kept saying, "I don't know what else to do except take him to the doctor!"  Ummmm, dear, I'm handling this just fine, you're an onlooker, and he just has to take a massive shit, he'll be F-I-N-E!....and POOF! he was, I'm am *ALWAYS* right.  Why won't these people listen to me?? 
This morning I was told "Mama, those things you put up my butt really DID help my butt to feel better!  It doesn't hurt anymore!"  I think that he even THANKED me! LOL

ATTENTION WAL*MART SHOPPERS

      When browsing your local Wal*Mart store we ask that you please refrain from wearing 50 gallons of cheap perfume that you found in the 50% off rack at Big Lots or Dollar General.  Other shoppers actually HAVE noses that work and your repugnant smell burns their nostrils into oblivion.  One such customer describes it as;
"Your nose going to Hell while you're still in Wal*Mart [which is a close second to Hell]."
   So, please be considerate, leave the cheap perfume in the same spot in your closet as your cheap camouflage nighty.  No one wants to see you in the nighty, nor smell you in the hideous perfume, save it for your mate.

Ok, so now I have a new WEBSITE, turtlemama.com and I have a webcam.  WOW am I wired or WHAT?!  Oh and The Hussy has her webcam on my site also.  Go check it out and then report back what you see, sometimes I might be putting secret messages up, if you can tell me what they are you'll get something REALLY cool....maybe heheheheheh

Yeah, I'm boring this week....P-M-S and that is all that I have to say about that.

UPDATE!!!!!!
look below

CAM! CAM! CAM! CAM!

Yes, Yes, YES! I have a webcam running!   It might be showing the cats or the kids or the construction, or stupid morons (hey I should carry it with me to the door with solicitors come, "Hang on let me make sure my audience can get a GOOD look at your face, OK THERE! Perfect, now what are you selling again?"  hehehehe)

So go look on the left hand side of my site you'll find the link.  You might even see me walk by or something  

That's ALL.

NO NO NO that's not ALL......

OR

Which do you like better?
They are both links, BTW

THAT IS ALL.

Saturday With Friends

YES! I have friends, shaddap!

We had friends over today, B&L with E&B, their kids.  It was REALLY nice to have adults to hang out with! hooo hooo!  We went to their house 2 weeks ago, but I forgot to blog about it (yeah, I know, I suck).  So they came over with their 2 kids who are about the same age as mine (about 6-7 mos older than mine, actually).  We had fun and just hung out and played with the kids, had adult conversation then had a KICK-ASS Milky Way cake that I made (yes, I fucking bake too, GAWD you people are relentless!!).  They even brought me turtle things (a glass candle holder with a blue candle to match my blue house!) and a bottle of Bailey's YESSSS!  Complete with Bailey's tin, how cool are they?! OH! and trivia playing cards, OMG those ROCK! (not as much as my turtle, but pretty damn close!)
And then of course they told me how cute my dogs and cats are (MAJOR + for them! ) oh, and the kids (all 4 BOYS) played soooo well together, no major fights (just a couple of "BT won't let me play Nintendo!" & "E isn't doing this board right!" LOL ahhhhh our kids and a video game, HOW SWEET IT IS!

My DH and I had totally forgotten what it was like to have friends, you see once you have children your friends run, away, fast.  So you're stuck with dirty diapers, doctor visits, cabin fever, and no one who can carry on a coherent conversation.  Then every once in a while you go to a homeschool group meeting and you meet a cool-ass mama with kids your kids' age and who thinks along the same lines as you, then the world is A-OK once again.  First, though, you have to get through all those crazy mamas with their wild ideals and chauvinistic husbands who HATE you.  Then you find a cool-mama with a husband who might actually LIKE you and your DH and your kids.

In the past (even as a kid) no man has ever really liked me, parents (moms and dads) ALWAYS hated me (she's the girl with a mind of her own, noooooooo!) and then when I was older and married, husbands started to hate me (Oh gawd, she's that crazy chick who puttin' those crazy ideas in your head that you, a stupid woman, actually might know a thing or two, no more visits with HER!).  So you see, it all boils down to one couple with whom you and your DH (and hers!) get along, swimmingly.  Then the world is ok.  You finally believe, that even if you have to go through this hell of a life, you'll have good friends by your side.  And that, that, makes ALL the difference.

So, thank you to my initialed friends, B&L and their AWESOME kids, E&B.  For they are the reason I haven't gone abso-fucking-lutely crazy and started shooting up public places (well, that and my Dh won't let me own a gun, bastard.)

ALL HAIL COOL FRIENDS!!!!

CONSTRUCTION WOES

They are building a house across the street from me, sort of.  I'm on the corner in a subdivision and I'm on the corner of a busy street, they are putting a VERY fucked-upedly designed house across the main road.  We still can't figure out where the front door is and why there is a door next to the garage and a door OVER the garage (how the hell do you scale THAT walkway?).  I should take a picture, just to show you how messed up this house is.  And ya know what REALLY SUCKS?  We just went over houseplans in IAD and every fucking rule there is, this stupid house is breaking and it's driving me CRAZY!! The front door looks like it MIGHT face the side 'yard' that is really just trees, it's ALL messed up. 

Then on the OTHER side of me (my true neighbors, I only have one, whoo hooo!) they are bangin' around speaking Polish and climbing ladders, these people are NOT the most intelligent people on the planet.  We've dealt with them in the past and omg, I fear them on ladders.  They let their 4yr old play with a Skil saw that was PLUGGED IN!! HELLLFUCKINGOOO??!?!??!?! You do NOT need to be on a ladder!

BUT! In better news, while all the banging and junk was going on I scavenged my yard for signs of fall this is what I found....

All of them are Barlett Pear leaves, except the pure red one that is from my burning bush out back, it is SOOO pretty!! Anyone want seeds? Let me know, I have a TON of them!

Well, it ended well.  I think.  I'm thinking the reason I didn't care for it too much was because the main character never understood that her mom was a mental case.  Maybe it's because I'm a mom and all that but dang, when you're as fucked-up as this chick's mom was you need to have a little slack.  Then again she IS a murderer, so who knows.  It was a good book all in all.  Read it if you're curious, see the movie if ya want.  I wouldn't go around preaching the wonders of 'Oleander' but hey, I won't stop anyone from reading it.